Friday Begins The Weekend

Cloud 9 Hotel & Bar, Kaduna, 7:26 PM.

The problem with Nigeria is that the problem is too much that you don’t even know what the problem is. Nothing works here, I tell you. Absolutely nothing, shey you get? You have a trustworthy face, like someone I can relate with.

This your face looks familiar too, like I don see your face before. Okay, you were at Ahmed’s wedding too? I knew it. That must have been where I saw you. I can’t believe Ahmed is now a commissioner. Now a big man. All you need in this country is the right connection, and everything would work perfectly well for you, shey you get?

Are you in a hurry? Oboy sit na, the night is still young. The patient dog eats the fattest bone, shey you get? If you wait small, those fine fine girls will come around, and you can take one home. Hahaha.

Look, I’m not like other people who claim they know you so that you will buy them drinks. No, I don’t do like that. Two things are needed to make the time go by. Drinks and time. We have time, but no drinks. Hope a bottle of Hero will not wreck your budget? Good. Barman, give me another bottle.

Which tribe are you sef? You look like a Yoruba man. How do I know how a Yoruba man look like? Hahaha. You have their nose, broad like calabash, and you are black like most of them. I once stayed in Abeokuta for some years, shey you get? You are from this state? Oh okay.

My name is Chidi. I’m from Nnewi. I’m not one of those people that add importer and exporter to their names, meanwhile they haven’t even imported one container into the country. I’m an honest man. Ahmed was my coursemate in KadPoly; he can vouch for my honesty, shey you get? You were his childhood friend, eyah. That should be back in those days. Nowadays, Christians and Muslims don’t stay in the same area. Take for instance, Kaduna South is filled with only Christians while Kaduna North is filled with only Muslims. No love amongst us again, shey you get?

Your name is King. You came all the way from abroad? You live there? Okay, you study at the University of Iowa. You are doing well. I like people like you, people that are very determined, shey you get? The first and last time I travelled abroad was to Ghana here here oh; the custom man wanted to finish all my money at the airport. After all the searching, the customs man with his marks on his cheeks as if tiger used its sharp fingernails to scatter scatter his face collected money from me. Very stupid and unreasonable man. Me I’m black. I’m not yellow pawpaw like other Igbos, so the custom man thought I was a Yoruba man and greeted me with Yoruba. I foolishly told him I was not Yoruba. The man collected 5k from me. Just like that. Someone told me he could have let me go for free had it been I spoke Yoruba to him. Can you imagine?

8:47 PM

The drink is going fast fast because we are discussing. Let me get another bottle. Don’t worry, I will pay for this one. For me and you. I’m not drunk oh, abi you want to smell my mouth? This is how I talk, shey you get? I’m not drunk.

You see those boys over there. Those ones with plenty Hennessey bottles on their table. Yes, those ones with golden chains around their neck. No, it’s original. They are Yahoo boys. They spend anyhow. They scam white people in that country where you are studying and lavish the money on clothes, girls, and cars. They even use juju now. They call it G-Plus. They say that the Oyinbo people now are smart so they use juju to confuse them. Their useless girlfriends use to say that they collect from Oyinbo people that stole from us. But what about the ones scamming other Nigerians? Hahaha, shey you get the joke? It is unemployment that is causing all these. Had it been our politicians are giving us work, there won’t be any Yahoo, I’m telling you.

Look at this scenario now. Nigeria is 62 years old, but any small thing our leaders will run to America or England for help. Even our politicians steal money and hide it there. Helping those countries become more richer, shey you get? Even you now, you ran and left your country to another man’s country to study. How many Oyinbo people have you seen in this country studying? Why can’t we repair our country so that other people from different countries can envy us and like to stay here permanently aside the work that maybe brought them here, shey you get? I don even go far. Let them come and study sef.

But who would want to study here sef? Before bandits will just hijack the foreigner and demand for 20 million naira or dollars sef, shey you get? Nigeria cannot protect her people, na another man citizen she go protect? And the annoying thing is that after all these problems we are facing, every four years, one idiot that senior my grandfather will stand before us and say, “vote for me. I will clear this insecurity in one night. I will give job to 20 million unemployed youths within 24 hours.” We will jump and clap and vote for him. We the youths that are meant to be the leaders of tomorrow. We are securing tomorrow for one old man, recycling the same corrupt leaders.

What used to annoy me most is that our religious leaders still support them, shey you get? They preach prosperity year in, year out, and during election tell you not to vote for a Muslim if you are a Christian. Or not vote for a Christian if you are a Muslim. Election is next year, you will see with your two eyes. That is if you do not leave the country oh. Anyway, you can watch from over there in the abroad.

Nigerians, we are so religious, yet the kind of atrocities we commit ehn . That is why me I don’t carry religion on top my head oh, shey you get? Let me tell you why. Nigerians, we love the devil very much. No wonder the white people portray the devil to be a black man with horns. If you catch a thief in Nigeria, he will say it’s the devil’s work. Any woman that catches her husband sleeping with the maid, he will say it’s the devil’s work. Are we the only people meeting with the devil to give us work in the whole world? Don’t get me all wrong, we also love God. Anything you are doing in this country, and you do not include God, you have not started. If they ask you, “how’s work,” you say, “I thank God oh.” And if you purchase a new car and your friends congratulate you, the correct response is “na God oh”.

And Nigerians can fear village people. Any pastor that wants to blow in Nigeria and does not tie your poverty or misfortune to village people, he has not started work oh, shey you get? Do you believe in village people? Maybe there is one old woman planning for those Oyinbo people to deport you. Hahaha. I’m just joking oh.

9:35 PM

See now, the fine fine girls are coming now. The small small children have ran home before their parents find out they are not at home, shey you get? Oboy, see that one in red gown. That’s why I told you to chill small. Friday begins the weekend, and if you come to places like this on a Friday, you go chill well well.

But for most Nigerians, weekend begins on Saturday, and it’s still work, work, and work. That’s why we wash clothes only on Saturday, shey you get? But the weekend is meant for relaxation, to rest from all the weekday’s hard work and hustling, and it begins on Fridays. Even God rested from his creation, shey you get? I like you very much. Can I call you brother? Nwannem. Hahaha. Irrespective of everything—tribe, religion and region— we are one. Do not be deceived. Nigerians will unite and set a thief ablaze in the market. Why can’t we unite and fight corruption and bad governance, shey you get?

See see, two ashawo are fighting. Don’t go there oh.

10:01 PM

You went to do Oyinbo man. Man of peace. See, you are not in Oyinbo land oh. Sit, let me continue my gist. Wait, you can’t find your phone? Shey I told you not to go to that place? Pickpockets, they have stolen your phone. You want to go to the Police Station? Nwannem, don’t stress yourself. This kind of things we don’t involve the police in Nigeria. If you can’t catch them yourself, you are on your own. It's a complete waste of time, shey you get? Come, come, I know someone that can help us. Hahaha, welcome back to Nigeria nwannem.

About the author

Solomon Timothy Hamza is a Nigerian writer. Be writes on various intricacies of life, especially ones that keep him awake at night and musing during the day. His works have appeared or forthcoming on Brittle Paper, Nnoko Stories, Ice Floe Press, RoadRunner Review, Eremite Poetry, Shallow Tales Review, PROFWIC Crime Fiction Anthology Volume 1, One Black Boy Like That Magazine and elsewhere. Besides reading and writing, he enjoys exploring new places and listening to music. You can reach him on Twitter and Instagram @sol_ace12 and on Facebook at Solomon Timothy Hamza-King.